Beta Reader Input » Recent Posts

Beta Reader Input » Recent Posts http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ A Forum for Beta Readers en-US Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:59:34 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/search.php kris on "AST Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=4#post-22 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:30:00 +0000 kris 22@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Loved the book! I loved the relationship between Amanda and her father. Think my favorite character was the little clock:) Was a little confused about the mechanics of the machines, but that could just be me. Also loved the flowers and picturing Amanda walking her strips of lawn every morning:) Really enjoyed it, am looking forward to the next installment! Also liked how Toms mother found herself for a moment in throwing the scleeberries at the machines. I like to think she'll keep that strength:) thanx for this opportunity phil!! kris on "AST Typographical and Grammatic Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=5#post-21 Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:20:08 +0000 kris 21@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ p 116 1st sentence "John Farlabane had played a cruel practical joke on some? (one).. p 118 4th para "Tom's dad gave (me) one .." p 125 2cd para 2cd sent "I suppose you think that (the) fact (that) the flowers.." p 146 10th para "Amanda paused, trying (to) figure out the best way to get to the tulips and get them back to the porch. Just as she was about to start sprinting, an arm slipped around Amanda(s) waist.--or (her) waste?? p 147 5th para "Tinnud- (should you take the 's off of that?) returned to digging." p 148 7th para 3rd sent "It looked (like) the flowers.." p 158 6th para, 3rd sent "As (she?) neared the front.." p 173 In the 3rd para it goes between him and them, "They gathered around their friend(s?). They handed THEM their wafers. Then it goes to put a hand on HIS shoulder, shook HIS hand. Maybe it's just me, but I kept thinking it should all say "them" or him. p 185 4th para 6th sent "She cut through the woods to the same spot she used when she (you have saw and watched) the men..." p 191 2cd to last para last sent "Amanda could(n't) believe...." p 210 3rd para 7th sent "The next day I chased body part(s) all over..." p 212 2cd para "You (will or you'll?) understand..." p 215 3rd para 5th sent "Body parts (don't) stick very.." p 219 1st para 1st sent "Unfortunately Tom "chose" that..." p 221 2cd to last para 1st sent "The look on his wife(s)..." p 228 4th para 1st sent "By now, Tom had both legs and one arm in (the) right.." 5th para "Standing on (his) porch..." p 238 5th para "She didn't bother (to) steady..." 7th para 2cd sent "And now (there) were gears.... p 247 3rd para 6th sent "Some lived (you have -in the near the corn row field-) kris on "AST Typographical and Grammatic Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=5#post-20 Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:12:04 +0000 kris 20@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ p 103 the 1st big para, 3rd sent "If they want to fight all (the) time, p 104 5th para this isn't an error of any kind, just my opinion. this paragraph has a lot of "he's" in it:) it just sounds funny to me. p 105 1st para 1st sent "For the instructors, it is simply inconceivable that a non-clock would (have?) ever believed in a clock..." p 105 7th para 2cd sent "She didn't want (to) dream.." p 108 8th para, 3rd sent, "We'll discuss (this?) later." kris on "AST Typographical and Grammatic Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=5#post-19 Fri, 05 Feb 2010 03:49:01 +0000 kris 19@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ p 59 2cd para, "Tom instantly hunch(ed) over. He began panting like (a) dog." p 62 not sure, but should should there be a comma after clock?? p 66 2cd to last sentence, half way thru, "but the flower(s) hiss(ed) even louder." p 68 2cd para, "What('s) p 77 4th para 2cd sentence, not sure about this one either, you have "Digusted," I wondered if maybe it should be digust. p 84 5th para, 2cd sentence, "He (looked) back at the house." p 85 5th para, "John Farlabane's expression relaxed into (a) grin. p 102 1st para, 3rd sentence, "she didn't need to put up (with) the flowers anymore." 2cd para, 3rd sent you have one too many "shes" in there p 103 kris on "AST Typographical and Grammatic Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=5#post-18 Thu, 04 Feb 2010 16:00:00 +0000 kris 18@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ p. 26 3rd para, 3rd sent. "They may not like what the slceeberries-" (you need an "are" in here) doing to Amanda." p. 26 4th para, 3rd word, should that "to" be a "too"?? p 28 2cd para, "He threw the twistbean at (this should be "his") father." p 39 4th para 2cd sent "It was the little clock's first time to try any(thing) like this." admin on "AST Typographical and Grammatic Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=5#post-17 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:03:30 +0000 admin 17@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Please use this topic to post typographical and grammatic errors admin on "AST Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=4#post-16 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:02:47 +0000 admin 16@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Please use this topic to post reviews and suggestions for Amanda and the Scleeberry Tree Benn on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-15 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:57:17 +0000 Benn 15@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Regarding the football game described on pages 58-69, while I don't have any issue with you identifying the teams as the Colts and the Titans, I do think it's a mistake to identify the players so specifically. That is, referring to Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, etc. This tends to put your story in fairly contemporary times - no more than two years in the future. (Assuming Manning et al aren't traded or retire in the next couple of years.) Identifying specific team members is dicey as teams' rosters have a tendency to change each season. Benn on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-14 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:37:29 +0000 Benn 14@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Might want to be careful about the spine of the book. What you see is "FARR" artwork and then "TED SHORE". Some wise acres could read that as "Farrted Shore". Benn on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-13 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:14:05 +0000 Benn 13@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ If I duplicate any previously mentioned errors, my apologies. Here's what I've got so far: Page 14, paragraph 4: "...their Princess Leah..." Should be "Princess Leia". Unless, you wrote "Leah" on purpose. Page 33, paragraph 2: "...gold lame stripes..." I suggest there be an apostrophe "e" on lame, that is if you mean "lah-may". Page 35, last paragraph: "Doing long range recognizance..." Do you mean, "reconnaissance", Phil? Page 37, paragraph one: In the second sentence, "Fillies" is not italicized as it throughout the rest of the book. Page 40, top of the page: "Then, he twisted his mouth..." I don't think you need a comma after "Then" in that sentence. Page 41, final paragraph: "So, he was an accountant? As in a bean-counter? (He snorted). Not exactly..." I suggest you do not include the parenthetical phrase in the quotation. More like "As in a bean-counter?" (He snorted.) "Not exactly..." Or even drop the parenthesis around "He snorted." Page 78, paragraph 10: "...a trio of Hersey's Dark Chocolate..." Should be "Hershey's Dark Chocolate..." Page 99, paragraph 3: "Accordingly, Hancock displeasure..." Should be "Accordingly, Hancock's..." Page 100, paragraph 5: "They knew their boss used phrase..." Should be "They knew their boss used the phrase..." Page 105, paragraph one: "Well, this simply unacceptable..." Should be "Well, this is simply unacceptable..." Page 108, last paragraph: "...engender your faith in Anachronistics, Incorporated. (He paused.) The truth..." I have the same problem with this as I do the similar case on page 41 and offer the same solutions. Same page and paragraph as above: "We are business men - mere businessmen..." Either they should both be "business men" or "businessmen" (preferably, the latter). Unless I'm missing something here. Page 140, paragraph seven: "The Andy Taylor Show". Or is there a legal reason you can't call it "The Andy Griffith Show", it's proper title? (If it is legal, one amusing way to avoid trouble might be to call it, "Sheriff Without a Gun", the title [in the series] of the movie based on Sheriff Andy Taylor.) Page 145, paragraph four: "...spun her into his revere..." Do you mean "revelry"? Page 146, paragraph four: "It just MONEY!" Should be "It's just MONEY!" Page 147, paragraph 10: Has the same problem noted on page 41. Page 164, paragraph six: Near as I can tell, "Disney World" is two words, not one. I could be wrong, though. Page 184, paragraph 10: Same problem as page 41. Page 185, paragraph 8: "Fillies", once again, is not italicized. Page 191, paragraphs 5 & 8: Same problem as page 41. Page 194, last paragraph: "Fillies" is not italicized. Page 195, paragraph one: Same problem as page 41. Page 201, paragraph 3: "...in outfit that..." Should be "...in an outfit..." Page 204, paragraph 6: "...Catlett's livingroom". "Livingroom" should be two words. Page 208, paragraph 4: "Fillies" is not italicized. Page 224, last paragraph: Same problem as page 41. Page 236, paragraph 2: "Betwitched..." Do you mean, "Bewitched"? Pages 240 and 241, top of each pages: Same problem as page 41. Page 248, paragraph 8: "You must have been very sheik in those days." "Chic", not "sheik". Page 250, paragraph 5: "I'm going to teach you lesson..." "...teach you a lesson..." Page 251, paragraph 5: "Their only fury was the ugliness in their midst." Do you have the words "fury" and "ugliness" switched? Or am I misunderstanding this sentence? Page 266, paragraph one: "The Powerball jacket pot..." I think you mean, "The Powerball jackpot..." Page 270, paragraph 13: "Fillies" is not italicized. Not sure if this really goes here or not, but on page 69, paragraph one, there's a reference to drilling holes "through three feet of AstroTurf."* You are aware that AstroTurf is really like a layer of carpet, don't you? And that's as far as I've gotten. I've been busy doing other things, so my attention hasn't been as focused on this book and thus I haven't finished it yet. But so far, it's been pretty good. Thanks! *This is how "AstroTurf" is spelled according to it's official website: <a href="http://www.astroturfusa.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.astroturfusa.com/</a> dmdefoor on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-12 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 03:26:49 +0000 dmdefoor 12@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ My format for comments is Page number, paragraph: "mistake" should be "correction" 304, 1: commabut 305, longest paragraph: commabut 311, 7: "threaded the film it in place" should be "threaded the film in place" 311, 8: "might" should be "mind" 311, last: commabut 312, 1: "beside" should be "besides" 312, 8: "her struggle not smile" should be "her struggle not to smile" 315, 3: "Bob had had" should be "Bob had" 323, 11: "circle like squirrel" should be "circle like a squirrel" 326, 4: "with such obviously longing" should be "with such obvious longing" 333, 3: "they booked the two thiefs" should be "they booked the two thieves" 337, 5: "what's that suppose to prove" should be "what's that supposed to prove" 337, 7: "The chicken squawked as it Bob Two" should be "The chicken squawked as Bob Two" 339, last: "walking up to fastening Lola's armor" should be "walking up to fasten Lola's armor" 358, 2: "monts" should be "months" 367, 4, last word: "thrit--" should be "thirt--" 371, 3: "Just get it it" should be "Just get in it" 371, 6: "ignored logo" should be "ignored the logo" 375, 9: "hair-brained" should be "hare-brained" 379, 5: "You probably needed more than but I was getting hungry." should be "You probably needed more, but I was getting hungry." 381, 4: "Her breath tremble" should be "Her breath trembled" 381, 4: commabut 383, 2: "That sound like a bad day" should be "That sounds like a bad day" 387, 2: "Despite his normal umimpressability, this cone actually stuck" should be "Despite his normal unimpressability, this cone actually struck" NOTE 2 MISSPELLINGS. 391, 2: "free-for-all that would erupted from the ratty" should be "free-for-all that would erupt from the ratty" 391, 5: "felt like a thirty minute warning than" should be "felt more like a thirty minute warning than" 391, 5: "hadn't even tingled she stepped" should be "hadn't even tingled when she stepped" 394, 2: "wound through into costume's" should be "wound through into the costume's" 394, 2: commabut, middle of the paragraph 395, 6: "without thinking; without remembrance" should be "without thinking, without remembrance" Comma instead of semicolon 395, 7: "she respond" should be "she responded" 396, 1: commabut 401, 1: "listening only the beating" should be "listening only to the beating" 401, 10: "answred" should be "answered" 402, last: "buldged" should be "bulged" 403, 7: "who I am or what I'd do it you if I" should be "who I am or what I'd do to you if I" 404, 2: "she was moron" should be "she was a moron" 404, 7: "between the tight stain cloth" should be "between the tight satin cloth" 407, 2: "flailing it satin-covered" should be "flailing its satin-covered" 409, 1: "Lola Eight return to her" should be "Lola Eight returned to her" 411, 2: "course-looking garment" should be "coarse-looking garment" 411, 6: "wanted to drop by see how" should be "wanted to drop by to see how" 411, 7: "Mouthing" should be "Mouth" 411, 13: "From the sounds of it" should be "From the sound of it" 415, 2: "ignoring of his gum disease and been enough" should be "ignoring of his gum disease had been enough" 417, last: "I didn't think they would to kill anybody" should be "I didn't think they would kill anybody" 418, 3: "for the rest of your life it wasn't for" should be "for the rest of your life if it wasn't for" 419, 1: "that you were something other the puss-filled ulcer" should be "that you were something other than the pus-filled ulcer" NOTE 2 MISTAKES 420, 3: "embark your time-line" should be "embark on your time-line" 421, 1: "However, if you to stay" should be "However, if you choose/want/are to stay" 421, 9: "The sound remaining" should be "The sound remained" 425, 1: It seems like something's missing here. The end of 424 and the beginning of 425 don't seem to jive. 427, 3: "came the reply tortuously slow reply" should be "came the tortuously slow reply" 427, 10: commabut 428, last: "You must decouple yourself all paths" should be "You must decouple yourself from all paths" 429, 1: "We neither." should be "We are neither." 433, 5: "teeanger" should be "teenager" 436, 2: "course" should be "coarse" 436, 6: "embark your time-trip" should be "embark on your time-trip" 437, 8: "clerk gazed distantly at mute terminal" should be "clerk gazed distantly at the mute terminal" 439, 13: "I did everything I could you keep you" should be "I did everything I could to keep you" 440, 3: "certain measurements will yield a certain results" should be "certain measurements will yield certain results" 440, next to last: commabut 444, 1: "trying to stealing the ticket" should be "trying to steal the ticket" 444, 4: "was to live was with what she" should be "was to live with what she" 448, 2: "knew enough about to Anachronistics" should be "knew enough about Anachronistics" 448, 4: "leaning back to closed her eyes" should be "leaning back to close her eyes" 449, 4: "mnemes" should be "memes" 456, 4th from end: "listen to the all of the instructions" should be "listen to all of the instructions" 456, 3rd from end: "He worries that his sirelings with be upset" should be "He worries that his sirelings will be upset" 456, 3rd from end: "the pair fly until around the world until" should be "the pair fly around the world until" 460, next to last: "After he his 42 birthday" should be "After his 42nd birthday" 460, last: "he sent out to 20" should be "he sent it out to 20" dmdefoor on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-11 Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:57:18 +0000 dmdefoor 11@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ My format for comments is Page number, paragraph: "mistake" should be "correction" 221, 2: "pausing paused with an afterthought" should be "pausing with an afterthought" 221, 3: "I made sure they wouldn't just I like I made sure" should be "I made sure they wouldn't just like I made sure" 223, 4: "I wonder how long that that scratch" should be "I wonder how long that scratch" 223, 8: commabut 224, 7: "his colossal face hovering in front Middle's" should be "his colossal face hovering in front of Middle's" 224, last: paren2quote 225, 3rd from last: "before crashing into the future in that" should be "before crashing into the furniture in that" 227, 6: "And beyond that beyond that" should be "And beyond that" 227, last: "to imagine what it would like to be" should be "to imagine what it would be like to be" 229, 6th line from bottom: "What are talking about?" should be "What are you talking about?" 228-229, passim: There's some weird verb tense stuff going on here. Seems like sometimes you use past perfect, sometimes past. 230, 5: "refusing to cough out, refusing to swallow" should be "refusing to be caughed out, refusing to be swallowed" -- at least I think that's what you intend 230, last: "feeling the haughty disdain that he had horded" should be "feeling the haughty disdain that he had hoarded" 235, 2nd long paragraph: "What reason will drives you to pull the trigger?" I'm not sure what syntax you're looking for here. What drives you? What reason drives you? What reason will drive you? Not quite sure what you're up to. 240, 1: paren2quotes 240, 9: "Middle jaw dropped" should be "Middle's jaw dropped" 241, 1: "While I not am at liberty" should be "While I am not at liberty" 241, 1: paren2quotes 251, 7: "Middle Pringle climbed into the seat of bench" should be "Middle Pringle climbed onto the seat of the bench" 253, last: "Middle trust it toward the crowd" should be "Middle thrust it toward the crowd" 257, 9: "the spring-mounted head of car-poodle" should be "the spring-mounted head of a car-poodle" 259, 5: "Wouldn't be more efficient" should be "Wouldn't it be more efficient" 260, 4: "Edgar, is the time portal" should be "Edgar, this is the time portal" 260, 4: commabut 261, 9: "you could too but that it takes all the fun out of it" should be "you could, too, but that takes all the fun out of it" 266, 1: "The Powerball jacket pot had been" should be "The Powerball jackpot had been" 268, 5: "No would ever mistake him" should be "No one would ever mistake him" 269, 1: "just imagine what we do to you" should be "just imagine what we can/could/would/might do to you" 269, 3rd from last: need end punctuation 274, 6: "as she pull a notebook from her vest pocket and checked off the favor ask of her" should be "as she pulled a notebook from her vest pocket and checked off the favor asked of her" 276, 2/3 of way down page: "let me send myself a message not matter how" should be "let me send myself a message no matter how" 277, 2: commabut 277, 2: "She just need one little message" should be "She just needed one little message" 278, 2: "cadet" should be "cadre" 278, 2: "something intriguing would arriving" should be "something intriguing would arrive" 279: 6: "can you even get how much trouble I'd been in if they" should be "can you even get how much trouble I'd be in if they" 279, 10, commabut 279, 11: "She had plenty of enough time to return" should be "She had plenty of time to return" 281, last: "speaking for a mere moments" should be "speaking for mere moments" 282, 2, 2 errors in the same sentence: "Even the ledendary gem seemed to comment on the Hancock's efforts" should be "Even the legendary gem seemed to comment on Hancock's efforts" 282, 3: "Hancock's tyrade" should be "Hancock's tirade" 283, 2: "National Museum for Natural History" should be "National Museum of Natural History" 285, 3: commabut 285, 4: "Medi-care" should be "Medicare" 285, 6: "Trying maintain the solemnity" should be "Trying to maintain the solemnity" 287, 1: "Power tends to corrupts" should be "Power tends to corrupt" 292, 9: "Just because their wearing" should be "Just because they're wearing" 295, 10, "and that give it everything it needs" should be "and that gives it everything it needs" 295, 11, "Bob said you would be great conversationalist" should be "Bob said you would be a great conversationalist" 298, 2: "President of the United States ask" should be "President of the United States asked" 303, 4: "giving Middle backward glance" should be "giving Middle a backward glance" dmdefoor on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-10 Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:33:49 +0000 dmdefoor 10@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ This is the first batch. More to come. My format for comments is Page number, paragraph: "mistake" should be "correction" 14, 4: "Princess Leah" should be "Princess Leia" 16, 6: "none of stragglers" should be "none of the stragglers" 29, 2: "while you through the menu" should be "while you look through the menu" 29, 7: "has anyone has looked" should be "has anyone looked" 29, 12: This may be a stylistic issue, but your text has many instances of what I would characterize as grammar problem. In the midst of a section of dialogue, you insert in parentheses a narrative comment. Typically such a narrative comment would be made by closing quotes, commenting, and then reopening the quote. For example, here you have: “...things that you thought were so bad, well (he shrugged) maybe they aren't.” The following would be a more traditional (and therefore, for me, less disruptive :-) ) solution: “...things that you thought were so bad, well,” he shrugged, “maybe they aren't.” So many examples of this occur that I will use a shorthand phrase when I note them: paren2quotes (trademark pending :-) ). 29, 13: “place you mentioned, it is. . .” should be “place you mentioned, is it. . .” 38, last: Another possible stylistic difference, but one I notice. As in the sentence I just typed, a comma should almost always precede the word "but," because it begins a subordinate clause, or at least I think it's called a subordinate clause. An exception would be "He answered every single objection I had but one." There are a lot of these, too, so I will designate them with a shorthand phrase commabut, also trademark pending. Not really. :-) 39, last: "stuck" should be "struck" 41, first: commabut 41, first: Another possible stylistic difference, because you do it several times -- "beside" should be "besides," At least in my experience. 41, last: (He snorted.) paren2quote 42, 4: "Thou shall no speak" should be "shall not speak" 42, 4: "Mohannon had skewed enough" should be "had skewered enough" 43, 1: "low-level job at Catepillar" should be "Caterpillar" 46, last: "delivered to first three scientists" should be "delivered to the first three scientists" 48, middle of last paragraph: "what good it is to get information" should be "what good is it to get information" 49, 3: paren2quote 49, 4: paren2quote 49, 5: paren2quotes 57, 5: "how long how long" should be "how long 59, last: paren2quotes 60, last: "By the time the Justin Gage" should be "By the time Justin Gage" 63, 9: "to a spot in from of the table" should be "to a spot in front of the table" 66, last: commabut 68, last: commabut 69, 1: "AI has will have very large" should be Pick a tense! Any tense! Present, future -- doesn't matter. Pick one. 69, 5: "the phones and the Middle's booth" should be "the phones and Middle's booth" 70, next to last: "chocking" should be "choking" 70, next to last, "his tongue hanging out of mouth" should be "his tongue hanging out of his mouth" 76, 4: commabut 78, 7: "why did she need with a covering anyway" should be why and with don't go together. "What did she need with" or "Why did she need", one or the other. 79, 2: "He was young, long black hair" should be "He was young, with long black hair" OR "He was young, had long black hair" 83, 8: "Now that's quote I recognize" should be "Now that's a quote I recognize" 83, 9: commabut 86, 4: paren2quotes 88, 6: "He began sling the kiosk" should be "He began to sling the kiosk" OR "He began slinging the kiosk" 88, last: paren2quotes 89, 7: "Mason gazed distantly at mute terminal" should be "Mason gazed distantly at the mute terminal" 89, last: paren2quotes 92, 2: "you're going fall asleep like a cow" should be "you're going to fall asleep like a cow" 92, next to last: commabut at "Lola's brain but" 93, 2: "she derided and as she slipped on it" should be "she derided as she slipped on it" 100, 5: "their boss used phrase in its purest" should be "their boss used the phrase in its purest" 101, 4: "as quiet angst flipped in his stomach." Strange phrase. I have trouble visualizing angst flipping, like butterflies or burgers. I'm not sure if you've mixed metaphors, confused an adage, or invented a brilliant new way to say "nervous." Just thought I'd mention that the phrase stands out and makes one pause, maybe in a good way and maybe not. 101, 5: "when his toilet seated suddenly" should be "when his toilet seat suddenly" 101, 6: "was demaning his oblations" should be "was demanding his oblations" 103, 11: "the good Senator sat raised his gavel and rapped" should be "the good Senator sat, raised his gavel, and rapped" I'm not really sure what you're trying to do here. 104, 2: " "Do you MOCK me, sir?"Hancock erupted." There appears to be no space between the question mark/closedquote and "Hancock" 104, 6: "we were able isolate" should be "we were able to isolate" 105, 2: "Well, this simply unacceptable" should be "Well, this is simply unacceptable" 105, 3: commabut 109, 3: "Children are conceived; Business begin; Men and women die" should be "Children are conceived; Businesses begin; Men and women die" I'm not sure about the capitalization of the first words after the semicolons. 109, last: "carry out the proscribed punishment" should be "carry out the prescribed punishment" Proscribed means forbidden, so it would mean, "Carry out the punishment we're not allowed to carry out." 113, next to last: "as he sulked to living room's liquor" should be "as he sulked to the living room's liquor" 113, next to last: paren2quotes, just after previous spot. 121, last: "certainly cut a descent figure" should be "certainly cut a decent figure" 122, 6: "Eustice had greeted with her deep, husky" should be "Eustice had greeted him with her deep, husky" 126, 11: "to jam them down throat before Rule" should be "to jam them down his throat before Rule" 127, 2: "your schedule is clear for the rest of day"should be "your schedule is clear for the rest of the day" 129, 4: "Middle found office chair founded" should be "Middle found the office chair founded" 130, 1, line 3-4: "but most the time I don't know" should be "but most of the time I don't know" 130, 1, line 11: "then he caught me doing" should be "then he caught me doing" 130, 1, line 16: "it's good job" should be "it's a good job" 130, 1, line 21: "grab the envelope and I'm it outta here" should be "grab the envelope and I'm outta here" (lose the 'it') 131, 7: "What can I do for you today?" should be "What can I do for you today?" 132, last: "Now, it was clear that, once focused" should be "Now, it was clear what, once focused" 134, 5: "He pause a moment longer" should be "He paused a moment longer" 138, right after the 2nd "Think": You often write "Anachronistics, Incorporate" without a following comma. I think it should virtually always be "Anachronistics, Incorporated," with a following comma unless it's the end of a sentence. From here on I'll refer to this as "Inc." 138, same paragraph: "Beside" should be "Besides," see n. on p.41 138, 9: "moved the mirror Rosie's cage" should be "moved the mirror in Rosie's cage" 139, next to last: "elbows held against tight his" should be "elbows held tight against his" 140, next to last: "Inc." 143, 6: "reveling in the attentions" should be "reveling in the attention" 143, 7: "displayed on a television screens" should be "displayed on a television screen" 145, 5: "spun her into his revere" should be "spun her into his reverie" 145, 5: "she manufactured a smile and endured stench of his breath" should be "she manufactured a smile and endured the stench of his breath" 146, 2: commabut 146, 3: "shallowing" should be "swallowing" 153, 8: "If you take that money, you be swindling" should be "If you take that money, you'll be swindling" 154, 12: "She was showgirl" should be "She was a showgirl" 158, 6: "I am troubled by the apparently strain" should be "I am troubled by the apparent strain" 159, 1: paren2quotes 159, 2: "arbitrarily decide who live and dies" should be "arbitrarily decide who lives and dies" 160, 3: "I want to them dead" should be "I want them dead" 161, 9: "I knew every word that you will say" should be "I know every word that you will say" 161, 10: commabut 163, 7: "I am he who requires that that all my enemies" should be "I am he who requires that all my enemies" 169, 1: "dressed short shorts and a skimpy" should be "dressed in short shorts and a skimpy" 169, 12: commabut 172, 4: "conversation for evening at her place" should be "conversation for an evening at her place" 175, 7: "receiption" should be "reception" 176, 1: "receivied" should be "received" 176, 6: "I first became interested while studying" should be "I first became interested in while studying" OR, if you want to sound erudite, "in which I first became interested while studying" 177, 3: "an unusual discovery by scientist working" should be "an unusual discovery by a scientist working" 177, 6: "my volunteers were willing pay handsomely" should be "my volunteers were willing to pay handsomely" 177, last: commabut 178, 7: commabut 179, 3: "singularity like black hole" should be "singularity like a black hole" 179, 4: "reflective column" -- What reflective column? I don't recall seeing it before. 181, 3, next to last line: paren2quotes 183, 11: commabut 187, 9: "they haven't ask someone else" should be "they haven't asked someone else" 193, 1: "many side allies" should be "many side alleys" 201, 1: "staring at far wall" should be "staring at the far wall" 201, 8: "in one amazed package" should be "in one amazing package" 204, 6: "pushed forward by damsel's pleas" should be "pushed forward by the damsel's pleas" 207, 5: "biting into the Edgar's right thigh" should be "biting into Edgar's right thigh" 214, 7: "his fundamental heroicism" should be "his fundamental heroism" 216, 1: "he could take some his graduation" should be "he could take some of his graduation" 219, 15: "eyes glued to the relection" should be "eyes glued to the reflection" sdonaldson on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-9 Sun, 13 Sep 2009 21:54:50 +0000 sdonaldson 9@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ From this point forward I am no longer going to report here about commas, ()s, or begginging sentences with and, but, etc. since I believe these are just stylistic differences of opinion rather than errors. I will however, continue to note commas and ()s as I read if anyone is interested. Page 96, paragraph 5 - "...and the Director of Central Intelligence." Per <a href="http://www.cia.gov" rel="nofollow">http://www.cia.gov</a> the title is "Director of the Central Intelligence Agency". 101, 5 - What is Director Kingman doing on that toilet seat that a suddenly broken bolt would send him crashing into a wall? Do enquiring minds want to know? In any case "seated" should probably be "seat". 107, 4 - "It there wasn't..." should be "If there wasn't..." 108, 8 - "...have not engender your faith..." should be "...have not engendered your faith..." 109, 2 - "...humbled "I will..." should be "...humbled. "I will..." 109, 4 - "...toward the Director of Central Intelligence." should be "...toward the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency." 109, 4 - You refer to the Director as the DCI. Not only is incorrect it is inconsistent. Every other time so far not someone speaking you have spelled out organization names. 110, 2 - "...eventually propagates out..." This sounds right but accoring to <a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/propagates" rel="nofollow">http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/propagates</a> it should be something like "...eventually will propagate out..." 111, 1 - To match 95, 1 the time should read "six o'clock and twelve minutes, post meridian, Eastern Standard Time." not "6:12 in the evening (Eastern Standard Time)." 117, 4 - "Judging the accountant true," Should this be "Judging the account true"? 138, 8 - "a pose that Santa Clause would recall..." should be "...a pose that Santa Claus would recall..." 140, 7 - "The Andy Taylor Show" should be "The Andy Griffith Show" 141, 2 - Previously (139, 8) you stated Bernie had a grin that made dentists reach for drills yet here you call him toothless. As I don't think dentists drill on gums "cavity-ridden" might be a better description. 144, 13 - "goodey two-shoes" should be "goodie" or "goody" two-shoes" 146, 3 - "Then, shallowing hard, Lola..." should be "Then, swallowing hard, Lola..." 147, 3 - should match whatever you pick for 144, 13 154, 13 - "Yellow ribbons" should be "Yellow feathers" 158, 4 - "To paraphrased Cain," should be "To paraphrase Cain," 158, 6 - "...the apparently strain on..." should be "...the apparent strain on..." 159, 2 - The occurrences beginning here of "time line" should match the section beginning on page 104, which is "time-line" 161, 9 - "...man and women when they..." should be "...man and woman when they..." 164, 6 - "...gone to Disneyworld..." should be either "...gone to Walt Disney World®..." or "gone to Disneyland®..." 168, 11 - "...long course hair and beard..." should be "...long coarse hair and beard..." 168, 11 - "...hair and beard; succumbing to disappointment. Sheepishly he shrugged, turned..." should be something like "...hair and beard. Succumbing to disappointment, he shrugged, turned..." 168, 14 - "...but enough to risk..." should be "...but not enough to risk..." 171, 1 and 171, 3 - Either spell Mr. out or don't. Don't do both so close together. 175, 7 - "...so receiption was sketchy..." should be "...so reception was sketchy..." 178, 2 - "...from Massachusetts Institute of Technology." should be "...from MIT." or "...from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology." 180, 5 - "...doesn't have a time travel technology..." should be "...doesn't have time travel technology..." 187, 9 - "...they haven't ask someone else..." should be "...they haven't asked someone else..." 199, 14 - "does illict the..." should be "...does elict the..." 212, 7 - "...from the cotton coffin." might be better as "...from the shroud." sdonaldson on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-8 Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:36:41 +0000 sdonaldson 8@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ 55, 1 - Adding something like "45 minutes later" would make more sense after "...already in progress." Milton really should have taken heart, though. One of my favorite shows, even when first-run, would be gobbled up completely and without a belch when put against the game of the week. 78, 10 - As Middle's treats were R'ed so should Lola's be. 79, 2 - "He was young, long black hair, parted..." should be "He was young, with long black hair parted..." Also, I think this description of the store clerk should be moved to somewhere in his little bit of story. 83, 8 - That in () is redundant. The ... says she is thinking. Also, I think ? is enough and ?! is too much. 91, 2 - This paragraph is completely different from what came before and what will come after. () would be good here, or possibly making it a footnote. The rest of this post is more questions and suggestions, rather than pointing out errors and possible errors. Page 20, paragraph 8 - This could be the first mention of Lola's name, instead of page 14, p 10. Telling the babbling woman's name early gives away her importance to the story. What is an account manager who is married or female supposed to do with a "temp"? If there are no women/married men gurus it'd be interesting to know why the prohibition. It might be a good idea to mention early that Middle's jelly beans are multi-colored, as they turn out to be. That way when he sets them to war with each other he can divide them as to color or be an equal opportunity smasher. His choice. 73, 4 - AI's color is red. Should there be some on the cover? Possibly even a red jelly bean? Bob and Bob - Are there two men commentating or just one talking to himself? sdonaldson on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-7 Sun, 06 Sep 2009 20:49:51 +0000 sdonaldson 7@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Page 29, paragraph 21 - I don't think there is any need to tell the reader the man shrugged. An ... says everything we need to know. 54, 2 - The first two sentences seem awkward to me. Maybe something like "...to earn a 'crier', someone who went in front of him shouting..." 56, 3 - "One thing was certain." This is correct, but the addition of the word "though" at the end would indicate the change in Middle's thoughts. 67, 8 - This paragraph fits in well without the (). 70, 12 - The ending sentences seem awkward to me. Perhaps "...for the time. Looking up, he gasped. The raging man was only fifteen feet away and closing fast." sdonaldson on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-6 Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:25:53 +0000 sdonaldson 6@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Got a bunch here: Page 22, paragraph 3 - "course" should be "coarse" 36, 7 - "...where, when or even if the..." should be "...where, when, or even if the..." 39, 2 - "wernt" should be "weren't" 41, 6 - "wernt" should be "weren't" 46, 1 - "deadaway" should be "dead away" 46, 6 - "...Edgar's direction. But, a smile..." should be "...Edgar's direction, but a smile..." 47, 1 - "...press conference and all four..." should be "...press conference, and all four..." 51, 5 - "change" should be "chance" 55, 6 - "seem" should be "seemed" 56, 3 - "thick-headed-ness" should be "thickheadedness" 57, 3 - "snearing" should be "sneering" 59, 12 - "Jospeh Addai" should be "Joseph Addai" 68, 3 - "...means to you. (Ray-girl held..." should be "...means to you. (Ray-Girl held..." 68, 3 - "...that reads, 'I'm a Sunshine Girl!' and his read, 'I'm a Sunshine Girl lover!'" should be "...that reads 'I'm a Sunshine Girl!' and his reads 'I'm a Sunshine Girl lover!'" 69, 2 - "...disbelief, desparation and fury. Men suddenly..." should be "...disbelief, desparation and fury. Men suddenly..." 69, 4 - "Her companion sat, mute, shaking with anger" should be "Her companion sat mute, shaking with anger" 69, 5 - "...turned white then red then white then red again, heads roving between the screen, the phones and the Middle's booth. In short..." should be "...turned white, then red, then white, then red again. Heads roved between the screen, the phones, and Middle's booth. In short..." 70, 9 - "I'm A Sunshine Girl Lover" should be "I'm a Sunshine Girl lover!" to match 68, 3 70, 14 - "chocked" should be "choked", unless he is being possessed by an alien named Chocky 70, 14 - All the semicolons should be commas. The colon should be a period. "...mutilating behemoth..." should be "...mutilating, behemoth..." 71, 3 - "...speeches. But this..." should be "...speeches, but this..." 77, 3 - "..the Promise Land." should be "...the Promised Land." 77, 5 - "And, Lola needed the distraction." should be "And Lola needed the distraction." 89, 10 - "...power to account? (He looked back at the paper tape unravelled on the floor.) Yet..." should be "...power to account?" He looked back at the paper tape unravelled on the floor. "Yet..." 91, 13 - "...and displayed, "*" on the next..." should be "...and displayed "*" on the next..." sdonaldson on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-5 Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:09:43 +0000 sdonaldson 5@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ sdonaldson on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-4 Mon, 31 Aug 2009 23:59:01 +0000 sdonaldson 4@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Bookmark: downloads is misspelled as dowloads Page 13, paragraph 1: His feet stuck the floor with... Pg 13, p 2: squinty eyes, pug nose and puckered mouth... I believe there should be a comma after nose dhull on "Page 3" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=3#post-3 Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:04:57 +0000 dhull 3@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Paragraph 2, line 5. tenses correctly so if you find the latter kind of grammatical errors please let Sorry, Phil. I know it's just the beta copy greeting, but the editor in me just couldn't let is pass. :^) admin on "Reviews and Suggestions" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=2#post-2 Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:13:03 +0000 admin 2@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Use this section to post your reactions and suggestions. No guarantee that any of it will actually end up in the book...but you never know! ;-) Standard legalese applies: All submissions become the property of Phil Farrand and will not be returned. Submissions may or may not be acknowledged. By submitted material, you grant permission for use of your submission and name in any future publication by the author. admin on "Typographic and Grammatical Errors" http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/topic.php?id=1#post-1 Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:12:50 +0000 admin 1@http://www.philfarrand.com/bbPress/ Use this topic to post typographic and grammatical errors. Please include page number, paragraph and a few words in context so I can find the problem. Thanks! A SUGGESTION: If you start your post with the page number it will help others figure out more quickly it the error you found has already been noted. ;-)